This list is a work in progress. It begins to answer the question of "How do you heal your relationship struggles and unhealthy relationship patterns?" We must strengthen a number of skills, most of which can be summarized as "learn how to work with your mind." Learning new skills supports maturing.
Take charge of your own life as a bold act of maturing.
Stop pretending your unhealthy, dead-end relationships
Practice being honest with reality and monitor mindlessness techniques.
Learn how to work with habituated states-of-mind.
Notice how you react and respond to the experience of your reality.
Educate yourself about the nature of suffering, its causes,
Learn grieving skills and use them regularly.
Engage in consciousness-raising by committing to
a path of healing.
Learn about healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics.
Learn about family systems and how systems have
a mind of their own.
Assess for unintegrated trauma and begin to work
Wake up to your felt-sense body experience and treat
it as a messenger.
Listen to the messages your felt sense body experience communicates.
Monitor the input and output of nourishment and
assess the balance.
Cultivate a stronger observer self to tap into seeing clearly.
Cultivate a stronger observer self to invite your innate wisdom.
Learn how to hold the paradox of finding comfort in the discomfort.
Learn how to hold the paradox of giving up on happiness
in order to enter happiness.
Notice the tension created when we fight against accepting reality.
Notice living in chronic confusion about how to identify reality.
Inventory old beliefs and values that create double-binds
Invite new beliefs and values that reinforce healthy
relating and spaciousness-of-mind.
Be aware of how your survival instincts for self-preservation
get in the way of taking care of yourself or doing the right
thing for your better interests.
Learn how to work with temper tantrum, primal energies of disappointment when you don't get what you want.
Be willing to lose.
Be willing to monitor when you are dishonest with your self.
Be willing to let others let you down.
Be willing to let the world let you down.
Be willing for the world to surprise you with nurturing support.
Be willing to let others offer you support.
Practice bringing grace when grieving your losses.
Notice how you resist grieving your losses because it hurts.
Notice how you are lazy and avoid your feelings.
Notice how you are in relationship with suffering itself.
Learn how to become friends with yourself.
Learn how to interact with suffering as a friend.
Learn how to become friends with the parts
you don't like about yourself.
Learn how to cultivate more compassion for your humiliations, deep disappointments, and grotesque aspects of your humanity.
Find the power in not having it all figured out.
Find the power in not having to figure it out.
Share freely with others when you have a brief, bright
flash of figuring it out.
Educate yourself about the attachment system
as part of the nervous system.
Uphold the rhythm of relationships beginning and ending
and beginning and ending and beginning and ending.
Notice how you fight against the reality that relationships end.
Grieve not only what happened to you but what
didn't or hasn't happened.
Enter the profound process of forgiveness as a
phenomenological exploration akin to a spiritual practice.
Live the mystery of life and let in the random joy all around you.
Realize that the narcissistic wound is the wound of the development-of-the-self and every single person is grappling with how to integrate the great loss and rejection of "me, me, me" while marching towards a more mature integration of self-understanding and self-acceptance.
Create a reliable network of healing support and healing energy.
Ask for help.
Take the help when offered.
Realize we cannot heal alone and need a support system.
Accept that healing is not a finite chapter. We revisit healing processes throughout our entire lifespan development.
Take time for life review.
Take time to inventory the mindless distractions that
keep you from yourself.
Learn how to leave.
Learn how to say goodbye.
Learn how to make meaning out of loss.
Learn how to hold in your mind the mind-blowing
complexities of existential aloneness.
Practice how to leave.
Practice how to say goodbye.
Practice how to make meaning out of loss.
Practice how to hold in your mind the mind-blowing
complexities of existential aloneness.
Learn how to build the foundation of a fragile relationship through patience and nurturing.
Notice how we often rush, force, manipulate, expedite new relationships and therefore, deny ourselves growing into mature relating.
Find community. Cultivate community. Nurture community.
Let in community. Be community.
Offer kindness to others.
Offer kindness to yourself as a daily practice like brushing
your teeth or taking a shower.
Stop getting overly consumed in your relationships and look out to the world around you.
Take breaks from healing work and contemplate the
awe of the ocean.
Contemplate the delicate balance between healing work and spiritual work.
Stop trying to prove something.
Be aware of the mind's nature to keep us struck in ignorance.
Actively pursue gratitude.
Accept the mundane and ordinary and notice your addiction to achieve something more, better, shinier, faster, happier - recognize the gerbil-wheel of desire for what it is.
Tap into the healing powers of creativity.
Tap into the healing powers of playfulness.
Tap into the healing powers of rest.
Tap into the healing powers of a healthy body that
moves and dances.
Take time to monitor when you love yourself and when you don't.
Don't get all bent out of shape when you notice that
you don't love yourself.
Realize you don't have to always believe the habituated story that your mind churns out about reality or about yourself - it's just a story.