This list is a work in progress. It begins to answer the question of "How do you heal your relationship struggles and unhealthy relationship patterns?" We must strengthen a number of skills, most of which can be summarized as "learn how to work with your mind." Learning new skills supports maturing.


  • Take charge of your own life as a bold act of maturing.

  • Stop pretending your unhealthy, dead-end relationships
    will change.

  • Practice being honest with reality and monitor mindlessness techniques.

  • Learn how to work with habituated states-of-mind.

  • Notice how you react and respond to the experience of your reality.

  • Educate yourself about the nature of suffering, its causes,
    and cessation.

  • Learn grieving skills and use them regularly.

  • Engage in consciousness-raising by committing to
    a path of healing.

  • Learn about healthy and unhealthy relationship dynamics.

  • Learn about family systems and how systems have
    a mind of their own.

  • Assess for unintegrated trauma and begin to work
    with trauma-mind.

  • Wake up to your felt-sense body experience and treat
    it as a messenger.

  • Listen to the messages your felt sense body experience communicates.

  • Monitor the input and output of nourishment and
    assess the balance.

  • Cultivate a stronger observer self to tap into seeing clearly.

  • Cultivate a stronger observer self to invite your innate wisdom.

  • Learn how to hold the paradox of finding comfort in the discomfort.

  • Learn how to hold the paradox of giving up on happiness
    in order to enter happiness.

  • Notice the tension created when we fight against accepting reality.

  • Notice living in chronic confusion about how to identify reality.

  • Inventory old beliefs and values that create double-binds
    of gridlock.

  • Invite new beliefs and values that reinforce healthy
    relating and spaciousness-of-mind.

  • Be aware of how your survival instincts for self-preservation
    get in the way of taking care of yourself or doing the right
    thing for your better interests.

  • Learn how to work with temper tantrum, primal energies of disappointment when you don't get what you want.

  • Be willing to lose.

  • Be willing to monitor when you are dishonest with your self.

  • Be willing to let others let you down.

  • Be willing to let the world let you down.

  • Be willing for the world to surprise you with nurturing support.

  • Be willing to let others offer you support.

  • Practice bringing grace when grieving your losses.

  • Notice how you resist grieving your losses because it hurts.

  • Notice how you are lazy and avoid your feelings.

  • Notice how you are in relationship with suffering itself.

  • Learn how to become friends with yourself.

  • Learn how to interact with suffering as a friend.

  • Learn how to become friends with the parts
    you don't like about yourself.

  • Learn how to cultivate more compassion for your humiliations, deep disappointments, and grotesque aspects of your humanity.

  • Find the power in not having it all figured out.

  • Find the power in not having to figure it out.

  • Share freely with others when you have a brief, bright
    flash of figuring it out.

  • Educate yourself about the attachment system
    as part of the nervous system.

  • Uphold the rhythm of relationships beginning and ending
    and beginning and ending and beginning and ending.

  • Notice how you fight against the reality that relationships end.

  • Grieve not only what happened to you but what
    didn't or hasn't happened.

  • Enter the profound process of forgiveness as a
    phenomenological exploration akin to a spiritual practice.

  • Live the mystery of life and let in the random joy all around you.

  • Realize that the narcissistic wound is the wound of the development-of-the-self and every single person is grappling with how to integrate the great loss and rejection of "me, me, me" while marching towards a more mature integration of self-understanding and self-acceptance.

  • Create a reliable network of healing support and healing energy.

  • Ask for help.

  • Take the help when offered.

  • Help others.

  • Realize we cannot heal alone and need a support system.

  • Accept that healing is not a finite chapter. We revisit healing processes throughout our entire lifespan development. 

  • Take time for life review.

  • Take time to inventory the mindless distractions that
    keep you from yourself.

  • Learn how to leave.

  • Learn how to say goodbye.

  • Learn how to make meaning out of loss.

  • Learn how to hold in your mind the mind-blowing
    complexities of existential aloneness.

  • Practice how to leave.

  • Practice how to say goodbye.

  • Practice how to make meaning out of loss.

  • Practice how to hold in your mind the mind-blowing
    complexities of existential aloneness.

  • Learn how to build the foundation of a fragile relationship through patience and nurturing.

  • Notice how we often rush, force, manipulate, expedite new relationships and therefore, deny ourselves growing into mature relating. 

  • Find community. Cultivate community. Nurture community.

  • Let in community. Be community.

  • Offer kindness to others.

  • Offer kindness to yourself as a daily practice like brushing
    your teeth or taking a shower.

  • Stop getting overly consumed in your relationships and look out to the world around you.

  • Take breaks from healing work and contemplate the
    awe of the ocean.

  • Contemplate the delicate balance between healing work and spiritual work.

  • Stop trying to prove something.

  • Be aware of the mind's nature to keep us struck in ignorance.

  • Actively pursue gratitude.

  • Accept the mundane and ordinary and notice your addiction to achieve something more, better, shinier, faster, happier - recognize the gerbil-wheel of desire for what it is.

  • Tap into the healing powers of creativity.

  • Tap into the healing powers of playfulness.

  • Tap into the healing powers of rest.

  • Tap into the healing powers of a healthy body that
    moves and dances.

  • Take time to monitor when you love yourself and when you don't.

  • Don't get all bent out of shape when you notice that
    you don't love yourself.

  • Realize you don't have to always believe the habituated story that your mind churns out about reality or about yourself - it's just a story.


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